Im tired

I'm tired at the moment as life has that feeling of closing in around me and strangling me. It's a culmination of a few things which in them selves probably warrant little more than a moments task but still.

It feels like a few things have hit me what with work and social life as well as family stuff....oh and of course my health. Maybe this is all down to my health, my bad mood I mean. I know I get hyper sensitive when its starts to deteriorate but still. Isn't that, like, allowed?

I dunno.

Perhaps I'm just generally irritable. I suppose the foreboding of next year is looming in my consciousness at all times, it frightens me. And whats started to frighten me more is where I may have to live. I love the lumberjack but.....eh. Sometimes confusion and frustration take over and I am unfortunately vexed.

Someone is shouting outside my window, I dont like it when this happens.

The problem is there are also knock on effects to those around us. Everyone has felt that change in the air when someone enters a room in a bad mood, some way or another it will lead so someone else contracting that same bad mood. But why? who knows. But in this instance I seem to constantly be able to hurt thoses closest. Wonderland gets confused and hurt at my silence and then in an attempt to gain reassurance ends up feuling the fire she wished had not been there to start with.

Its sad but thats how things are. And who is to stop them. Everyone has dark moments at some point, I always feel that those people who are always happy must have a disgustingly tainted other side to their personality? True? Discuss.

I dont know.

More and more I wonder if I want to go into some form of higher educational teaching. Would this be the right way to go? To simply never leave uni, but with all the upheval at the moment is that a realistic option, one only had to be at the Sussex university World Aids day commemoration to see the heart break in some people's hearts. But will this all be different in 5 years when the economy picks up and life is back on an even keal? I suppose thats the future, impossibly difficult to predict but oh well.

MMM

enough of a ramble but I sense, just before I go that my admiration for the star wars films I-III are less a prequel and more an excuse. Who knows.

Apparently.......

Apparently I last posted on the 18th of october but i find this to be a creul and disturbing truth.
So why, I hear you ask, am I up at 9:33 and blogging at such at hour? Well i will tell you, its because I didnt sleep well last night for reasons i cannot be fagged to go into, sufficed to say that i think i am awake at 8:30 and looking to the heavens and asking "why, you bastards, am i awake".

but oh well, what that has allowed me to do is conduct my day in a way i would like it to go. because i am up early i can conduct the many chores i aimed to do todat with ample time. Not only have i pretty much wrapped up my essay in the last hour but not i will be able to have my customary large breakfast, do more work, go to sainsburies and still ba able to get to my photo soc meeting with time to spare. Truely, todat could be amazing. As well as that my small round cherub will be winging her way back to my fair arms in only a few hours

.....sausage check....

phew, that was a close one, another few minutes and that would be offically burn.
anyway yes she will be back and not only wil we be in each others arms and happy and all will be well but we will be going to see what is set to quite an amazing film which is in the shape of harry brown. A film set to be a revival and opposingstance on the amazingness that was Get Carter. This film not only shows that violence is greusome but that some times it is needed as apposed to get Carter which just glamorised the whole thing. I am excited. I relatively saw an interview with Sir M. Cane and he has a fantastic stroy about Olivier and how when they were working together after an impressive scene the old Duke turned to Cane and said "ah, i though I had an assistant but I see now I have a partner". How beautiful is that, from the big man himself to bestow such a compliment is quite something. The man was arrogant but sometimes you can grant such people the space to cnduct themselves. In a similar vein as the most arrogant musicians.

Goodness well im spent and anyway I need to attend to my food now as it draws to its climax.

A night of fun frolics and bonding

So i don’t really talk to my sister that much usually. We are quite different people, especially in our attitudes to people and work.. my perspective is that she is a far more.....uptight is the wrong word.....selective person of her friends and even more so when it comes to work. She works her heart out and i admire her for that. But it does mean that we are quite different. So we don’t really bond too well. As well as this we both have it in our heads that when we were younger we must have hated each other perfusely but when it comes to actually naming times or places when this was shown to be the case we dra a blank. However over the last couple of months we have grown steadily closer through no fault of our own. Its strange, it started probably when we went to see Derren Brown, a tradition of ours, and it sort of just escalated from there. I also think her recent trouble with her ex/boyfriend has shown her who her friends are as well as how much she needs her family.

Its good.

But last night we indulged in something we have never done before and by that I mean that we went out ad hit the town in Brrrrrighton. It was a very odd night indeed and admittedly it was the fact that she had her friends around which made the entire thing easier but it was so fun. I think we both saw a different side of each other last night. As if we both recognised that although we might not be the best brother or sister to one another but what we can be are friends because in the end, we both think the other is pretty cool. I think it also helps that our respective friends think the other is worthy of conversation. For example My sisters friends adopted me last night as all their respective younger brothers and the Lumberjack thinks my sis is funny so it all works.

I suppose we will see though, in a few weeks she is down to see Tim Minchin with me which should be fun. I do think our relationship will still contain its sporadic contact moments, for example I forsee not a great deal of contact for a few weeks and then we will see each other and then probably not a great deal of contact till Christmas. That’s just how we roll though. For the moment at least, things are really good between us though.

i know i know

i know i say it alot but things change so quickly. take for example how quickly i find my self in this relationship....yet....how blissfully happy I am. I dont know where it all came from and now I am slightly mournful of waiting. It has stiffled my holiday
But things like that are best not dwelled upon. No we are much better simply thinking about the here and now and the girl in my arms. Its fun how ones perspective on thisngs changes when one enters a relationship. everything adjusts around that person


But i find my self asking questions.
am I like them

everyone knows that sickening couple
the people you are so sure you are not


but its like i find myself thinking that i am like those people because f how people act. But i am so sure i am not one of them. i try hard not to exclude peole from our relationship, we are realtively cuddly out and about but i hope thta doesnt deter people from talking to us. But by that same token we are also very independent. We dont presume people to leave us be when we are together. In fact the opposite. Im very anti people becoming devoted to their other half as soon as they walk in the room. I find it abit insulting to everyone. as well as that in previous relationshios i have seen the down fall of people being blinkered towards their friends.
you become.....obssessed by the other person but yet we are still young and we have to be careful. Do we enter these realtionships no sencing that at some point we will know all there is to know about the other person. And when that happens it is sad, and i think that is what destroys so many young couples because they dont expect the newness to end, but it does eventually. So we spice up our relationship with other people. we are all friends so we include people and its gives life to us. We need that i feel, not at the begining of a relationship but its best to keep friends than shun them and then beg for them back.


i am happy

iv not felt like this for a long time, the guilt and pain is still there but i doesnt consume me as much, in fact its something of a novelty. Now it is just a sign post for my life, not an overbearing issue of my life. i am glad
and she is happy


so


good.


x

yesterdays

Its nearly been 9 months since things spiraled into doom with Bubbles and it does pain me to say it but there is still a void of unhappiness within me that holds so many memories of the events around it close to my heart. Its very strange. The feeling of incomprehensible guilt is still quite clearly there however its the memories of the night when things went the way of the dodo that I didnt know I still harboured. Just horrific images of the most heartbreaking scenes. The compleate personification of crestfallen and betrayed mixed into one horrible teary encounter. I think I deserve to retain such memories but what it does do is make me incredably wary of letting that happen again. Letting that level of closeness develop again. Which in itself for me is a punishment that is so hard to accept.

I still feel great pangs of pain for what I did and I think more for her than for Drippy. I dont know why but i think I swept alot of that guilt under the rug when it happened the first time and when the rebounded i had to deal with both problems together. Obviously my pain is probably incomparable to those who suffered at my hands but in some way I think there are similarities to be found. For example both suffer problems of selft esteem, their obvious problems as to rejection and for me a thought emblazzened in my mind as to whether i can actually conduct relationships. Both are long term problems in which forgivness must be felt in order for the pain to dissolve away; strangly perhaps in both situations forgivness must be given to the same person? This I am not sure of.

I cant really remember my experience of their situations. I think i was so caught up in misery my mind has just taken the images and feelings away. Dissolved them into the tapestry of my sorry existence.


But the question behind all of this is why today of all days do these memories have to haunt me?
Is it perhaps that feelings of inadequacy have lately begun to resurface heavily but not within any sort of love intrest or partner. No, instead I am left contemplating whether it is worth ever returning home for anything other than birthdays, festivals and of course rugby. I cannot live there anymore and thus it is not my home. It is not a shelter from the outside world and its problems. Increasingly it is the root of most of my problems such as motivation and self esteem as well as general health. Its sad. But I suppose its part of growing up in the end. God, that sounds terrifyingly immature, but in my mind we arent grown till we are independent. Perspective I guess

Oh woe is me.

ummm

Our minds are dangerous things. They function almost completely outside the realms of logic to a frightening level. Take for instance the way that we build events up in our minds to find out they weren't actually that bad. For instance the fear of a bullet wound would terrify anyone, but ask someone whose been shot who didn't know it was coming and the reaction is the same but the post shock is much less in most cases. Strange.

And it isn't even for life threatening events half the time. Simply ordinary run of the mill incidents which plague our minds as we mull over them.. Think about the multitude of times we lie in bed and think about what we will do and what we will say to someone and yet none of it, or rarely, does it come to fruition.

Humans are widely advance social thinkers who can predict social movements and trends in people, just take the amount of people who are investing in shares. It is scary how we are focused at second guessing each other on a rolling scale of never ending work. Does this detract from the spontaneity of life? I know people who seem to wander through life oblivious of the people around them yet they seem to be constantly amazed by the people and things around them, as children are.

Once we start to predict life perhaps its inherent joy is extracted. Once we have already run through what might happen it is less of an experience.
This I'm not so sure of but it's a thought.

But I think the ability to predict social movements is inherent. How can one stop the mind from wandering? Impossible. Perhaps we can ignore the messages our brain interprets but what an effort this would be. Some people can, some people cant, there are no real imbetweens. I suppose its just a God given attribute to allow yourself to indulge in a role play which may get you feeling oh so clever with yourself at your triumph of predicting events, or completely amazed at the situation you find yourself.

How do we keep life fresh and interesting? Do we have to constantly change our surroundings or can even the most mundane of things bring us new joy with the right perspective. Buddhism teachs us to live in the moment and avoid dwelling on the past or being fixated with the future yet Chrisitanity almost seems to be the opposite. With remembering past sins for which we must atone for and the ever present mythology of Christ emblazened on the minds of followers it seems that devouts are reminded of a time when the world was an alltogether more Godly time and when those who followed Chrsitianity had stronger and more resilient faith, meaning those in the here and now have only t stone themselves to prove themselves. Who was the last martyr? Not in my generation I know that. But then I am young and perhaps the world is full of people making the ultimate sacrifice to their eternal leader.

Religion is terrifying beyond belief. How someone can read a book and listen to a speaker and decide they would rather die for words than for something they can see, taste or touch is beyong me. It wold be like reading lord of the rings and deciding that Frodo was the eternal spirit who struggled for our sins in deciding to destroy the ring or sin. The level of devotion within mega churchs and (to a less informed on my part) in Mega mosques scares me. These are armies of people controlled buy but a few induviduals with impressive rehotic skills and powers of observation in which to find proof for their belief. Surely they see their logic is circular, I believe something because after discovering it I then found proof. Its funny how no one becomes a Christian because they found proof, they found a problem they could solve and turned to books or a community of support. That I can understand but why they have to be religious texts I do not understand but perhaps it is simply the case that I havnt lived long enough to understand the pressures one can face when squeezed into a religion teeming with inconsistency.

Well I think I have gone on long enough.

errr?

Friendships are funny things. they can form from bases of all different types and they can grow and evolve, or simply stay quite static in their formation. in any event i think everyone expects certain base characteristics of a friendship. the "being there" aspect; knowing that they will make themselves available in any circumstance is events require it. this ranks high for me i think. but it links heavily with reliability and this to a host of other qualities.
honesty, for me, is the sole reason i have friendships. i cannot stand people who are straight with me on relevant facts or figures. I suppose this develops from a previous existence of heavy lying that i indulged in a few years back that came and comes to haunt me even still. i think it is a british thing to try and store our feelings, to bottle them up and try to resolve them ourselves whilst ultimately making them much worse. like the events you replay in your head hoping to find what would have been the perfect response when really, whats the point, every moment is induvidual and unique from the next and secretly you know in your heart of hearts that if the same event traspired again, you' d have forgotten your model response.

yeah, honesty ftw

but its not always an easy thing to recieve. honesty can be brutal and painful but if it is sincerly honest then at least it has some merit. Hearing your fears confirmed, and by those who you believe are being truthfull with you, are extrordinarily hard to cope with. you know they are right and you know it makes sense, but you were just hoping no one else would notice. well you were wrong, everyone noticed. in fact they tried to tell you but you dissmissed them, foolish one.

but i suppose it could be worse. you could be decieved, shielded from the truth and go on living your life as if nothing had changed. i suppose there are two outcomes to that;
1.you believe you have conquered whatever fear you had as you believe it had passed
or
2.you find out at a later date, making the whole experience a thousand strokes more painful perhaps.

in any event, i suppose the thing with friends is that their comments tend to stick. A random can say anything to you in the street and it can almost instantly fade from memory but a friend can say something which can truly hound you for years. their words can stick like a splinter in you mind where you constantly refer back to it to confirm who you think you are, positive or negative, and that can be very destructive. Maybe not destructive but unhelpful, but redefining yourself constantly is tricky and time consuming, not to mention, neurotic to some extent.

we automatically assume honesty to be a good, or perhaps virtuous thing, but why? We associate honesty with truth and as we know it is the truth that will set you free. But in our day to day lives how much to we lie, in fully abstract terms, how much do we mislead? And really, how much pain does this cause? The majority of lies, I think, slip by unawares and into the darkness that surrounds us, harming/hurting no one? We claim white lies are fine, but surely not in an ethical sense. And surely that is simply and an excuse to the slippery slope of terrible lies.


Also, in a much more abstract view you could ask, what is true.the debate over the existence of a higher power or not has raged from the very begining yet no one side can come out and prove catergorically that there is no God, or deity of some sort. So who are we to trust? Perhaps honesty is different from truth, or fact probably is a better word to describe it. I dont know, I think Im abit out of my ball park in terms of philosophising about all this. Perhaps she'll know.