Fallinf apart before uni

its rare i do something different.i know thats sad but after some years of rebellion then thats it.

i downloaded a new album a couple of hours ago.between then and now i started to get drunk.but im not a chav or a pric, so i had a couple of cider and then moved on to large gin and lemonade and tonics.
im gettig drunk slowly.
and so i get on the computer.i turn on my newly downloaded music and start to think.suddenly a track i have never heard comes on.
as it happens im so in the mood for this type of itelligent rap.im fucked.my head rolls as a "oh fuck" escapes my lips.it seems to sum up half of my feelings up.im gone.downing another load of gin and smacking my hand against the fucking solid lump that is supporting my laptop.not feeling the pain but still knowing that it hurts.more gin needed.looking out side and seeing fuck all but my reflection.staring then thinking about something then having more gin.
getting back to it.fuck.gin.face ffels funny, like its dripping off.i can feel movement as if someones stroking it.yeah,everyone knows this feeling.where every track you hear makes you
"fuck mate i love this tune"
things happening where your not sure what happened to cause them.
listening to a song about drinking and driving.almost in tears.
shit is so heavy but cleary those who wrote it only meant for one message
"dont fuck your life for drinking or weed"
dont try this at home the record rambles.
its too late, im fucked, its gone.like the streets record, blinded by the lights.
"i swear simons kissing dan
but im fucked and i dont care"

you ever have that moment where something happens and you feel like its another nail in the coffin.

back

its annoying that after half and hour im feeling sobe after 3gins and 2 strongbow.

been watching cooking programs.yum, but still.still listening to depressing music that gets in my head.partially cos theres a violin playing in this minimilist music recording.

im wondering what your doing.

but its too late.i dont really care.my head is making minute movements to denote a beat within the fuck off big head phones im wearing.


even my own mum didnt disturb me, instead she decided that the best way to sontact me would be to phone me.alas my phone was not on my person.it rang unaided.

at the moment im impartitial to releasing texts that have no thought behind them.another phat tune comes on.my head says

"you like this but you cant keep up"

i think about getting better head phones.£30 quid worth it to blow my mind.
fuck it.
cant think on the music and writing at the same time.too hard.

too tierd.things happpen.i want more work but not happening.not on the fucking rota?fine.#
do you ever find yourself building things up in your mind when your almost certain they arent going to happen?it hard to tell yourself its not happening

i had a text a couple of months ago telling me how he sort of felt his life was falling apart because everyhting he had known for 5years had finished.
unlike him i didnt feel any of that.till today.
last night i wrote a list of shit to do before i go to uni.i looked it and thought oh fuck.non of my friends are on this list.nothing at all.everything is slowly falling or slipping away.and its inevitable.people say "we will talk and it will be fine"

bullshit.unless a relationship is founded on seperation its not going to happen is it.its hard to see yourself passed up for something else.and i guess for the nest 20dyas or so thats going to happen.people are going to choose safer bets over joe blogs.and then we all depart become different people and dont even want to pretend to like each other.and not try, which is acceptable.
the break down of what we thought our friendship group would be.
how can we be so nieve?
yeah, course we will still be friends.yeah sure mate.assuming we will be the same person after extended periods of hanging out with different social groups and just different people.

yeah right mate, laterz while i hang with my uni buddies, im not trying to be a bastard, thats just what happens to all of us.

"boy just like relax, shes not picking up her phone then relax"
"i cant relax"
"you gotta other wise she will leave and then you will be fucked"


i want to see people deal with shit.nasty shit.to see hwo they do it.how people deal with lonilness and death and pain.
maybe its cos iv been exposed to it so much, like at grans funeral i just wanted a camera to shoot my sis cos she was a state and it was like "fuck, look at that".
iv left a previous post about all that.
like those 9/11 pics i used to have, like he shit in the world causes inages we rarely see, im not saying its worth it, but we should recognise it surely?
its like those pictures in the paper that break your heart instantly.
i feel we need to be re-sensitised as a society to pain.what the fuck is all this, quietness and all this "im british shit"
who does it help?
certainly not ourselves.

talk people

it helps